In the silence I sit, the only sound my beating heart & the hum of the heater.
I try to think but cannot. Try to breathe, but it's not easy. I am not comfortable in my own skin. The rest of the house sleeps while I just am.
I listen to her toss and turn. Maybe tonight she will find sleep before 2am, or maybe she won’t sleep at all. Maybe tonight will be a refreshing & rejuvenating sleep. Or I will again, watch the sunrise of another day.
Maybe tomorrow she will awake as my mother, maybe not totally but at least feel ok. Sit up without feeling dizzy or off balance.
I wonder why I can't rest. I don't really wonder. I know why. My body is on high alert. My mind is assaulted by what I see, what I feel yet have to keep down. My insides churn. My mind races to nowhere. How is it possible I have no thoughts yet a continuous feeling of unsettledness. If that's even a word. How is it possible to be so clear & yet so confused over what to do.
Surrounded by people outside of my house who make me feel like they are rubbernecking. Can't look away but can't help. Yet I'm the one who is looked at to make them feel better. To make it all go away and go back to the way it used to be.
Meanwhile, I am drowning in a sea of helplessness & sorrow. Waves of emotions that are ridden while being tossed around. There are those times I feel like I catch the wave the right way & am above it, feeling its power under me, like I can handle the world. Other times I feel like it knocks my feet out from under me & spins me literally upside down with a mixture of sand & water up my nose, in my mouth, choking, struggling to stand, desperately trying to break the surface for air. And even when I right myself, I still feel disoriented & out of breath.
And both of those feelings happen all day long. Sometimes within minutes of each other. So really, I don't wonder why I can't rest. Don’t wonder why I can't seem to relax & just be. To exhale & be comfortable. It's the waves.